January 24th
What's one better than a B9 tumour?
A B10 tumour.
February 10th
What do you call a Spanish runner with gender dysphoria?
Trans Iberian Express.
February 13th
What do you call a 19 year old that smokes?
A nicoteen.
February 15th
If you don't milk a joke too much, it becomes legend-dairy.
If you milk a visual joke too much, it goes pasteurise a lot.
What do you call a secret society of cows?
Irruminati.
Cowpats are bullshit.
February 20th
If you ever accidentally google "dry hump" rather than “dry humour”, don't frot - just fix the typo.
March 4th
Did you hear about the dad that knew where Conakry was, but refused to boast about it?
Papa knew Guinea, but Papa don't preach.
Where in Australia do snakes have the most sex?
Adderlaid.
March 6th
What does an inuit use instead of cement?
Igloo stick.
March 8th
What do you get if the back of your boat gets damaged?
A stern warning.
Why do ships travel sideways in online games?
Because of all the port forwarding.
March 14th
Why did the shark get grounded?
He didn't do his household jaws.
Why did the golfer end up in Sharia court?
He stole from the qadi.
March 19th
Why are your parents' siblings cool?
Because they aunt uncle.
March 26th
Pharmacist: “How should I prepare your condom?”
Frog: “Ribbit.”
Pharmacist: “Very well.”
March 28th
What colour are Filipino envelopes?
Manila.
March 31st
How do you make a database?
Filter Tinder to “alkali only”.
What’s green and yellow and slippery when angry?
Bruce Bananner.
April 2nd
How do you get a horse to whinny?
Make it fasty.
It amazes me Manchester has an entire football team dedicated to only having one player named Edward.
April 11th
“Yosemite Sam” is a forward way of greeting a Jewish person called Sam.
April 15th
What’s the difference between stubble and a bunny if they’re both under your nose?
One is a moustache, the other’s facial hare.
April 25th
I had a spam advert once that disrupted my radio.
Turns out hot signals were in my area.
April 28th
How do you make a hyperlink?
Get Zelda to give him sugar.
April 29th
Did you hear about the one man’s pig that could do chemistry?
It was Neil’s Boar.
May 10th
How do you make a gear jam?
Crush it into a paste and put it in a jar.
May 11th
What do you call two scalping penguins?
A pair of flippers.
May 13th
If you get married on Christmas Day, then you yuletied the knot.
May 16th
What do you call a cockerel airborne in Louisville?
Kentucky Flied Chicken.
May 23rd
What did the egg say to the banana?
”Give me a hand, I’m in a pickle.”
May 25th
What are the chances of getting injured in high-intensity ball sports?
It’s Jai Alai-kely.
May 26th
Volumetric burgers are incomplete without lattice.
May 28th
Luke Skywalker: “This sink isn’t producing water.”
Obi-Wan Kenobi: “Use the faucet, Luke.”
May 29th
Where does an egg keep its photos?
In an album-en.
How do you serve a skater 360 flips?
On a tré.
June 1st
What’s the worst thing about being clarified butter?
Telling your parents you’re ghee.
What do you call Peter Banning and Fagin having sex with men and women?
Bi hook and bi crook.
June 2nd
What do eskimos do in igloo toilets?
ICBMs.
What do you get if you cross egg, sugar, and monkey?
Meringutan.
What do you call a cockblock in Japanese?
A hen tie.
What do you call all cockerels besides the alpha male?
Beta clucks.
Why are bees the best Blockbuster customers?
Beekind rewind.
Why did the butterfly hold up the roof?
It was born as a cater pillar.
June 3rd
What do you call a window installed on top of a dog?
A sunwoof.
June 6th
How do you make popcorn chicken smoother?
Kernel sanders.
How do you terrify a panda?
Bam-boo.
June 8th
What do you call two boats moving at the same speed?
Knot-tying.
June 9th
Why are pandemics like people with a surfing fetish?
They both come in waves.
June 19th
A cable store got robbed today, completely cleared of its entire inventory.
Police say there are no leads
June 20th
How do you advertise a film about the Outback?
With an Aus-trailer.
June 26th
Did you hear about the time that the parents of a can of Ambrosia fought to become its guardian?
The mum got custardy.
June 27th
Today's forecast: there will be rain showers++, storms++ and strong winds++ across the country. Be aware of this increment weather.
June 30th
If the top 50% of uni students end up with degrees, then they can call them degrees centre-grade.
July 1st
There is speculation over which of Spandau Ballet's songs they will open their performance with.
The rumours are True.
July 12th
Why is it illegal to put your arm above your head?
Because if you do it, you're under a wrist.
July 14th
Are you heaven as constructed by beavers? Because god dam.
July 20th
Driving lessons: the only time you can win and still take the L.
July 25th
I had a joke about beating Red Rum in the 2021 Grand National, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse.
July 26th
I find that jokes about difficult pregnancies are hard to conceive.
August 5th
Say what you will about pillar-shaped calculators, you can always count on their support.
August 6th
Did you hear about the guy that threw two kegs of Oxo into a Scottish lake?
It was loch, stock and two soaking barrels.
I wouldn't buy a game about trucks unless it had a good trailer.
August 12th
If you watch a sad film on loop, then the spinning of the DVD creates perpetual emotion.
August 23rd
What's the difference between Satan's hard drive and Dracula's?
Satan has 666 gigs left on his, Dracula has a terror bite.
August 24th
I was going to release a clock as my autobiography, but I’m not ready to yet.
I'm still binding my time.
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The lawyer says "Hi priest and rabbi, I don’t know why you're following me into my exam."
Where’s the best place to eat if your group can’t agree?
NAND-os.
August 29th
Why do arcane women wear Rolexes?
Witch wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches.
September 2nd
What do you call a cow that plays basketball?
Kobe beef.
September 8th
Did you hear about the wasp that won the Tour de France?
It got a yellow jacket.
What do you call a bee with an arse where its nuts should be?
A bum ball bee.