How to #indiedev /  by Allison James

Finish lots of games
even if they're ugly
even if they're awful
even if they're buggy
even if they're tiny
or if we ignore them.
Then you'll make some more games,
and we will adore them.

Parade My Flag /  by Allison James

A short poem targeted towards how numerous companies show LGBT support in their logos during Pride and other major LGBT-centric events, largely just as a corporate stunt - and how I don’t see this as a wholly bad thing.

Parade my flag,
Even though it builds your shares.
Parade my flag,
On your services and wares.
Parade my flag,
Even if you've zero cares.
As long as
You are not parading theirs.

COVID /  by Allison James

A toilet roll hoarder called May
Was pooping one warm Saturday
She looked at her stash
Thought "I wasted that cash"
And then headed straight for her bidet

James Bond /  by Allison James

This poem was made as a tool for remembering the order of the James Bond films as well as their titular actors.

Connery, the first James Bond
And Dr No was primary
From Russia, Love With which I’m fond
And Goldfinger was number three

Then Thunderball, and Living Twice
As Sean resigned and we were nervous
Lazenby gave Bond some spice
In On Her Maj’s Secret Service

Roger Moore was next in line
He Lived and also Let it Die
In Man with Golden Gun he’d shine
Then Spy Who Loved Me wandered by

He Moonraked For Your Eyes until
The turn of 1983
When Octopussy Viewed a Kill
And Roger switched with Timothy

He starred in two, and that was it
The Living Daylights was the first
A Licence (Kill!), then Dalton quit
And into Bond, Pierce Brosnan burst

First GoldenEye was gripping stuff
Tomorrow Never Dies soon followed
Then The World Is Not Enough
And Die Another Day then wallowed

New James Bond and new director
One Casino. Quite Royale.
A Solace Quantum, Skyfall, Spectre
Maybe more? No doubt there shall.

The Newest Christmas Advert /  by Allison James

Sung to the introduction of “She’s Always a Woman to Me”.

We will show you this girl
As her life passes by.
Here’s a boy and his dog,
And now watch the dog die.
And we’ll make you so sad,
You’ll turn off your TV
You’ll pop to my store
And give all of your money to me.

Sonnet for My Laziness /  by Allison James

Each month I used to make games, two or three
Experimental nature were their theme
But now burnout has come and tackled me
That frequency is merely now a dream
In part it’s since I now make games full time
Though no control I earn a salary
I’ve no complaint, the feeling’s quite sublime
That Lemmings guys could think something of me
It isn’t like my idea pool is dry
I’ve got enough for three lifetimes or more
Yet I can’t seem to even try to try
To make a game to pass Innoquous 4
So here’s a final note, it’s to my brain
Engage yourself or I will go insane! :|

Walking Down the Woods One Day /  by Allison James

Actual date unknown, likely around 2004-2006. I do remember my mum printing it out and sticking it next to the family pantry though, and this house hasn’t had a pantry in a long, long time.

Walking down the woods one day
Something caught my eye
Something not that far away
Something that could fly

In my brain I wonder, no,
THINK what it might be
So I wander up to it
Interestedly

On I stroll, it's got some hair
Of the colour grey
Little creature over there
Please don't fly away

Then I notice - how absurd!
Blood around its head!
Wait a sec, it's just a bird...
And it's f**king dead.

Letter Bomb /  by Allison James

I can still recite this poem off by heart nearly 15 years on (at time of writing this). I know it’s short, but still.

What is in this envelope?
Not another bill, I hope.
Then I feel a sense of doom,
Followed by a killer BOOM.

Fort /  by Allison James

Brickwork steady, crossbows ready,
Time for the attack.
There is not in our nice fort
Defences that we lack.
Over marshes, our foe marches
With his foreign army
Any more try burn our door
And I shall be sent barmy.

Losses /  by Allison James

The war is a bad thing, I want it to stop
Before I myself must go over the top
It makes all of our soldiers injured or deaf
What have I done to be sentenced to death?

Alliteralphabet /  by Allison James

I’m fond of this one. Good going, 14 year old me.

A is for Axe, and for apple and ache
B is for Bun, but don’t burn it on t’bake
C is for Crispy, incredible cake
D is for Duck and the gentleman drake.
E is for Ear, nose, mouth, hairstyle and eye
F is for Fnaarg, often seen in sci-fi
G is for Gentleman, my kind of guy
H is for Heaven, a place that is high.
I is for Igloo the ice you go in
J is for Jugs of the juiciest ‘jin’
K is for Kipper and dear Kipper’s kin
L is for Love that you put your heart in.
M is for Motherboard you want to mod
N is for Nose that goes ‘boing’ when you nod
O is for Octo (that’s eight) is not odd
P is for Peas that get big in their pod.
Q is for Quad Bike, all wheels make a quad
R is for Roach caught with my fishing rod
S is for Silly Old Mad Little Sod
T is for Tea at the Flanders’ by Todd.
U is for Under the Unicorns eye
V is for Y, but the Germans say ‘vy’
W: What, where, how, which, when and why,
X is for Xi, aah, the Greek letter ‘xi’,
Y is for Yours Truly, that’s me, not you.
Z is for Zebras at home in the zoo.

Packin’ Me Bags for a Long Journey South /  by Allison James

A tribute to… Suffolk dialect? I guess?

Oi be packin’ me bags for a long journey south
On me sweet little tractor, Oi love it so much
Oi get on me way with me straw in me mouth
And a chin orn me face, it be sweet to the touch.

Me tractor goes ‘Roar’ as oi ‘ead down the rood
It be makin’ the mordern car look really bad
When oi get down the south all me straw’ll be chewed
An’ me ‘eart’ll be boi far the best ever ‘ad.

Hocititiellawa /  by Allison James

I was 13. Don’t judge me.

Someone drove into a bush,
In their brand new red Ferrari
They went through it with a whoosh
And soon were in Les Park D’Safari

This park was a lovely scene,
Had a theme, twas based on France
Out from a tree, there pranced a lion
Soon it had them in trance.

They ran it over, head and all
There came a French guard, he exclaimed
“Alors! You Breeteesh are so cruel,
Les lee-on, elle could non be blamed!

They ran this plonker over too
Mass murderers they looked to be
They saw a horse that did a poo
The poo was tall as you or me.

The male person left the car
To nick some money from the guard
He saw a hippo, near not far
So got a hammer, whacked it hard.

He took the cash and joined his wife
Inside his posh Ferrari car
She got out her pocket knife
And killed a monkey. Har har har.

They drove on, a chimpanzee
Jumped on the bonnet and did a fart
Then opened its legs and did a wee
The stoopid monkey thought “I’m smart.”

It did a poo poo on the glass
Pulled a face of great delight
So Kid punched Chimp onto the grass
And he kicked him right out of sight

He got back in, they gave a cough
And Kid 2 wet her underwear
She took her soggy knickers off
And hit and killed a Daddy Hare

She borrowed Mummy’s other pair
Of fluffy, lacey, pretty, happy,
Stripey, lovely underwear
But wet those too, so wore a nappy

Despite her bladder, they kept going
And stopped to see a wild boar
It killed a man who’d just stopped blowing
A balloon they’d seen before.

They shot the boar that loved to kill
Then travelled on and on and on
But they weren’t moving down that hill
‘Cos all four of their wheels were gone.

They fitted spares and saw a duck
The duck had stolen someone’s cash
The people realised their good luck
So nicked the dosh and made a dash.

Their next stop was a little shop
Here you buy bits of all sorts
Man bought a dodgy spinning top
That ripped and shredded Li’l Boy’s shorts.

Woman bought a figurine
Thats’ head fell off when it was hit
Boy bought shorts, but at the seam
They stretched and stretched and stretched then split.

Finally, the little girl
Went and bought a life-size doll
She cuddled it and gave a twirl
And in its stomach formed a hole

While Girl was crying from Doll’s hole
The boy was laughing hard and then
Jumped through the hole and forward-rolled
Into the car. Ten out of ten.

Girl wiped her nose onto her sleeve
A green line marked her snotty trail
The dolly she did not retrieve
She boarded t’car yet still she wailed.

For nine miles Girl was still upset
Until she saw a funny sight
A monkey and a naked Brett
Were on the ground having a fight.

They saw a cheetah overtake
The sports car they were driving in
They raced until a small earthquake
Blew up the cheetah. Now who’ll win?

The girl complained that she felt sick
The man said “Rubbish, you feel well”
For half a mile he took the mick
Till Girl puked up. The whiffy smell

Made showed-up Man feel sickish too
Some seconds later, he puked up
Now he got joked at in this ‘zoo’
Example being “Sicky Pup.”

Despite his illness, driving was
A really quite important thing
It was a thing to know because
He din’t like driving in a ming.

Vroom! Vroom! The car said as it ran
Along another mile of road
Then Daddy drove into a van
His driving broke the Highway Code.

Mummy was annoyed right now
So she sat in the drivers seat
For twenty miles the kids went ‘wow!’
As Mummy’s driving was so neat

She didn’t drive so stupidly
As Dad would infront of the wheel
Mummy made the kids feel free
Daddy made them cry and squeal

Girl was bored, wanted a hoot
And Boy agreed. He wanted fun
So Boy got shotguns from the boot
And Boy and Girl shot anyone.

They shot five ducks and many more
Four monkeys, three bats and a lion
Then used a catapult to hit macaws
That, just like babies, started cryin’.

Daddy spanked the little girl
And then the boy for being bad
Then gave the guns a great big hurl
That hit a guy and made him mad.

He loaded it with awesome glee
And shot BANG! BANG! BANG! at the car
Two of the bullets hit a tree
The other undid Mummy’s bra.

Embarrassedly she grabbed her coat
And covered her chest with the warmth of it
Her bra flew up in Sailor’s boat
And HE loved every bit of it.

After this they wanted out
And didn’t know the exit route
They decided they should shout
Then play a good tune on their flute.

Then they saw an exit sign
So followed it in their posh car
The name of t’zoo was rather fine
‘Hocititellawa’.

They were soon on a public road
They recognised, so they drove home
It was nice to see a toad
‘Cos’t made them feel they weren’t alone.

In their home they found a map
They looked, but never went ‘A-ha!’
Because they didn’t find that crappy ‘Hocititiellawa’.