This is a compilation of jokes I wrote in Discord. They are not necessarily very good, fair warned.
January 5th
There are two types of bands in this world:
1. The kind that can count
3. The Traveling Wilburys.
January 14th
Teacher: give me a sentence containing "deficiency".
Kid: "all the animals are in their right places - the birds airborne, the elephants on land, and deficiency."
January 24th
What was Sheldon’s catchphrase in Chinese Big Bang Theory?
Beijinga.
March 5th
Do you want to hear a really tasteless joke?
Flairs.
March 10th
Osmosis Jones flopped at the box office because he just doesn't permeate with a wider audience.
March 29th
I thought Timothy Dalton was in-spire-ing in Hot Fuzz.
April 8th
"I just bought one of those New York Yankees hats with their logo on, you know the one right?"
"NY?"
"Idk I just thought it looked nice"
If I ever come up with a swollen prostate joke, urine trouble.
April 21st
Iron Oxide is good in FeO-ry.
April 30th
Why did the Scotsman’s key get wet?
Because he put it in a loch.
May 3rd
Why is it fatal to step down from a dead dog’s poop?
Because you're shuffling off your mortal coil.
May 8th
Two helium atoms walk into a bar.
Bartender: "He He"
Helium: "Don't laugh, this isn't a joke."
Which is better at setting fire to things, helium or oxygen?
Helium, it's a little lighter.
May 9th
To this day, I can’t tell the difference between blackberry and blackcurrant.
It’s an issue that’s berry/currant to me.
May 11th
Filepath horrors really give you slashbacks.
What's the most important thing about an excellent lettuce's website?
The top-level romaine.
Did you hear about the three sun gods that were caught praising each other?
Knees-bent arms-stretched Ra, Ra, Ra.
May 12th
What’s the difference between Stormzy and Elon Musk?
One’s into grime, the other’s into Grimes.
May 15th
I’m scared of picking bunnies up.
I find it hare-raising.
I want to move to a random village in Australia.
I’m gonna go for Broke.
May 18th
Where do you go to see Windows' fonts?
You go to C:\Windows\Fonts.
May 21st
What do you call the ghost of denatured alcohol?
A methylated spirit.
What's the difference between Rude Santa and Derek Acorah?
One censors presents, the other senses presences.
May 26th
How do you make a dead weight?
Kill a gram.
What's the difference between your future husband and your future mother in law?
One's a wed date, the other's a dead weight.
June 7th
Did you hear the joke about the overcooked mutton?
Yes?
Well done ewe
June 12th
You know the puff of vapour when a rocket blasts off?
Is the result of that settling soar dust?
What do you call half a graveyard?
A semi-tary.
June 14th
What does it take to come up with a Japanese cartoon?
Animégination.
June 15th
Did you hear about the time that George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley sat on a Native American man's head?
They were a wig Wham!
June 17th
Did you hear about the alcoholic detective?
It never took him long to find tequila.
June 18th
If Dr Jekyll started following the teachings of Guru Nanak, then his story could be called Hyde and Sikh.
June 21st
I went into a church once, and all they had in the windows was a drinking receptacle with song titles on like “It's Been A While” and “Mudshovel”, and the vicar was on the phone, super angry.
Then I heard the other end just say "sorry sir thought you ordered Staind glass"
A pig, a football player and someone best described as scum walk into a bar and order drinks, sitting down with them. A curious drunkard stumbles to the party.
"What's in your drink, pig?"
"S'wine."
"And what's in yours, footballer?"
"S'port."
"…and in yours?"
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in the capital of Moldova?
The surrounding area is Chisinau.
June 29th
What do you call a curry that blends into its surroundings?
Korma chameleon.
July 9th
What’s the difference between two thieves, and Ikea’s linear display of living rooms?
One’s just a pair of nickers, the other’s the whole lounge array.
July 10th
If a war veteran has PTSD about all the bad food, is that caused by bad memories of bad MREs?
Or if it was less serious, maybe they were just MRE-bored.
July 16th
How good is sex education in New Zealand?
About a Sex Ed-er ten.
July 27th
I always wanted to try brown sugar in supermarket samples sections, but I find that demo rarer than white sugar equivalents.
I was going to make a joke about queueing up for the alcohol bowl at a party, but I can't work out the punch line.
July 28th
Eve: "Which of the Chrises must celebrate Christmas?"
Adam: "Chris must, Eve."
Eve: "Chris must, eh?"
I made up a joke about having wrinkles in your mid 20s once, but it got old fast.
Chris: "Whose flowers did you use for the bouquet in the end, mine or my mother's?"
Florist: reads the notes "Chris and the mum's."
Chris: "aww I wanted the lisianthus"
If life gives you lemons, convert to Judaism - then instead, it'll give you l'chaims.
August 3rd
Did you hear about the woman that gave birth to a gear stick?
She was adept at manual labour.
If I categorised my jokes based on how much I liked them, I’d put that last one into neutral.
What do you call Jeff Bezos with a bunch of iron filings attached to his face?
A business magnet.
I actually find old videogame computers really attractive, especially when they're turned on.
I guess you could say I have an electromagnetic Spectrum.
Who’s the best British comedian for esoteric jokes?
Niche Kumar.
Girl on date: “Can you see where I parked my car, Dave?”
Boy on date: “Sec. C, bay B.”
Girl on date: “No need for the objectification.”
Why did Luke Skywalker fill his ship's petrol tank with rodents?
He figured force x mouse = acceleration.
August 6th
Why did Slash's car gain height?
Because the Axl rose.
August 11th
What did Frodo get after he died?
A Hobbituary.
August 12th
Why aren't rugs shiny?
Because of all the mat paint on them.
August 13th
Why did the noodles worship the Egyptian sun god?
Because they were Ra men.
August 14th
How do you ban Fleetwood Mac from Spotify using only bitcoin?
No idea, I’ve never managed to figure out how Block Chain works.
August 16th
Why does it hurt to breathe while building a PC?
Because of all the coarse air.
August 18th
Where do Windows .exes go to find love?
%localappdater%
August 19th
What do you call a row of iron cats?
A Fe-line.
What do you call a fear of the dead?
RIPulsion.
August 23rd
What do you call Debbie, Kim, Joni and Kathy sitting on Mjolnir?
Sister Sledgehammer.
August 24th
If I am plotting to hurt somebody using a drawing pin... is that my plan of a tack?
I once demanded my doctor give me screaming pills. He gave me the silent treatment.
I wonder if in French, they call “420” “80”.
August 25th
Why did the chant to make someone taller fail?
The composition didn't include "allegro"
Every time I touch Sacha Baron Cohen I swell up.
I have an Ali-G.
August 28th
Why did the penguin get voted off Britain's Got Talent?
He left a bad emperoression.
September 1st
Horses are the ultimate neighsayers.
September 6th
Does the founder of Microsoft protect his paper money in an area locked off with bill gates?
Socks are really selfish.
Give them an inch and they take a foot.
Did you hear about the dog that produced magazines with every woof?
She was barking Mad.
September 7th
Why did the waitress kick the duck in the face?
He asked her to foot the bill.
September 8th
What's the difference between an Australian and a Scottish person?
One really likes a Barbie, the other likes tae Ken.
September 11th
Why did Grace Jones decide to make her epilator turn on in time with a music beat?
So she could shave to the rhythm.
If you get paid to levitate automobiles, is that you making a car air out of it?
Rumour has it, when Jesus was crucified, they actually used screws, not nails.
He got the hole whirled in his hands.
The sight of a pair of baby cows drilling confused me until I remembered that two calves make a hole.
September 13th
How do you make a motherboard?
Get her to read a really long really dry book.
September 16th
Why are relationships between Wall Street traders so short?
Because they have sell/buy dates.
September 17th
What do you call a disease transmitted by Swedish money?
Kronavirus.
I asked my agent to enter me into any race, I didn't mind which, and they said the only one available was a 24 hour long one.
Oh well, when life gives you Le Mans…
September 18th
Popeye was going to be translated to every language in Europe until they ran into trouble with Spinach.
September 23rd
“Yest! Yist! Yost!” I proclaimed. I have a yeast inflection.
October 13th
What's a hexidecimal's favourite soup?
0x7A11.
October 20th
In New Zealand, do they call umbrellas “witness protection”?
October 23rd
I was going to make a joke about a herb and a fish walking into a bar, but there’s a thyme and a plaice.
What's the opposite of URL?
I am heaven.
Why is rabbit pregnancy so scary?
Because the aftermath is Hare Raising.
December 3rd
Every Christmas I ask my father to touch Link's fairy assistant.
"Feel his Navi, Dad."
December 4th
What did one skeleton photographer say to the other?
I've got a bone to pic with you
December 5th
Why did the McDonalds enthusiast assassinate Abe Lincoln?
So they could gettysburger.
December 24th
Which The Simpsons character is the best at fishing?
Rod Flounders.
Why aren’t professional fishers celibate?
They had to master bait.
In which game does a rich, diverse roster of Christmas-based characters fight each other?
Super Smash Bros Mele Kalikimaka.
December 30th
If you let off the world’s biggest air horn in the middle of Rome, would it cause anybody harm?
Deafen Italy.