I was 13. Don’t judge me.
Someone drove into a bush,
In their brand new red Ferrari
They went through it with a whoosh
And soon were in Les Park D’Safari
This park was a lovely scene,
Had a theme, twas based on France
Out from a tree, there pranced a lion
Soon it had them in trance.
They ran it over, head and all
There came a French guard, he exclaimed
“Alors! You Breeteesh are so cruel,
Les lee-on, elle could non be blamed!
They ran this plonker over too
Mass murderers they looked to be
They saw a horse that did a poo
The poo was tall as you or me.
The male person left the car
To nick some money from the guard
He saw a hippo, near not far
So got a hammer, whacked it hard.
He took the cash and joined his wife
Inside his posh Ferrari car
She got out her pocket knife
And killed a monkey. Har har har.
They drove on, a chimpanzee
Jumped on the bonnet and did a fart
Then opened its legs and did a wee
The stoopid monkey thought “I’m smart.”
It did a poo poo on the glass
Pulled a face of great delight
So Kid punched Chimp onto the grass
And he kicked him right out of sight
He got back in, they gave a cough
And Kid 2 wet her underwear
She took her soggy knickers off
And hit and killed a Daddy Hare
She borrowed Mummy’s other pair
Of fluffy, lacey, pretty, happy,
Stripey, lovely underwear
But wet those too, so wore a nappy
Despite her bladder, they kept going
And stopped to see a wild boar
It killed a man who’d just stopped blowing
A balloon they’d seen before.
They shot the boar that loved to kill
Then travelled on and on and on
But they weren’t moving down that hill
‘Cos all four of their wheels were gone.
They fitted spares and saw a duck
The duck had stolen someone’s cash
The people realised their good luck
So nicked the dosh and made a dash.
Their next stop was a little shop
Here you buy bits of all sorts
Man bought a dodgy spinning top
That ripped and shredded Li’l Boy’s shorts.
Woman bought a figurine
Thats’ head fell off when it was hit
Boy bought shorts, but at the seam
They stretched and stretched and stretched then split.
Finally, the little girl
Went and bought a life-size doll
She cuddled it and gave a twirl
And in its stomach formed a hole
While Girl was crying from Doll’s hole
The boy was laughing hard and then
Jumped through the hole and forward-rolled
Into the car. Ten out of ten.
Girl wiped her nose onto her sleeve
A green line marked her snotty trail
The dolly she did not retrieve
She boarded t’car yet still she wailed.
For nine miles Girl was still upset
Until she saw a funny sight
A monkey and a naked Brett
Were on the ground having a fight.
They saw a cheetah overtake
The sports car they were driving in
They raced until a small earthquake
Blew up the cheetah. Now who’ll win?
The girl complained that she felt sick
The man said “Rubbish, you feel well”
For half a mile he took the mick
Till Girl puked up. The whiffy smell
Made showed-up Man feel sickish too
Some seconds later, he puked up
Now he got joked at in this ‘zoo’
Example being “Sicky Pup.”
Despite his illness, driving was
A really quite important thing
It was a thing to know because
He din’t like driving in a ming.
Vroom! Vroom! The car said as it ran
Along another mile of road
Then Daddy drove into a van
His driving broke the Highway Code.
Mummy was annoyed right now
So she sat in the drivers seat
For twenty miles the kids went ‘wow!’
As Mummy’s driving was so neat
She didn’t drive so stupidly
As Dad would infront of the wheel
Mummy made the kids feel free
Daddy made them cry and squeal
Girl was bored, wanted a hoot
And Boy agreed. He wanted fun
So Boy got shotguns from the boot
And Boy and Girl shot anyone.
They shot five ducks and many more
Four monkeys, three bats and a lion
Then used a catapult to hit macaws
That, just like babies, started cryin’.
Daddy spanked the little girl
And then the boy for being bad
Then gave the guns a great big hurl
That hit a guy and made him mad.
He loaded it with awesome glee
And shot BANG! BANG! BANG! at the car
Two of the bullets hit a tree
The other undid Mummy’s bra.
Embarrassedly she grabbed her coat
And covered her chest with the warmth of it
Her bra flew up in Sailor’s boat
And HE loved every bit of it.
After this they wanted out
And didn’t know the exit route
They decided they should shout
Then play a good tune on their flute.
Then they saw an exit sign
So followed it in their posh car
The name of t’zoo was rather fine
‘Hocititellawa’.
They were soon on a public road
They recognised, so they drove home
It was nice to see a toad
‘Cos’t made them feel they weren’t alone.
In their home they found a map
They looked, but never went ‘A-ha!’
Because they didn’t find that crappy ‘Hocititiellawa’.
